[I dislike using the term "them", "themselves" when I mean a singular person in general, so I will use the term "he", which is what I was taught in high school Latin, but I really mean any singular person, male or female]
If you are getting to know someone, and if he reveals something to you that is surprising, unexpected or shocking to you, I think you'd do best to keep it to yourself at the moment, because the moment you reveal it, it can make the other person feel a number of things e.g. judged, like a bad person etc etc, which can in turn, lead to him putting up barriers, losing his trust in you, and not wanting to reveal more of himself. Reactions like those interrupt the flow of the conversation.
And really, when someone is telling you about himself, it's not about you, or your reaction to the information--it's completely about him, so give him all your attention, and the care that he needs.
Of course, context dictates how we should react e.g. if a friend runs up to you excitedly and says, "Guess what! Guess what!", it would be appropriate to express shock, excitement or whatever.
But if you're having a deep and meaningful, I try to accept what the other person is saying (which is not saying that I agree with him, or condone what he's saying), understand where he's coming from, and what led him to say what he did.
Monday, November 7, 2011
Thoughts on interpersonal communication
Labels:
communication,
friends,
how to,
ponderings,
relationships
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Totally agree! This is something I've learnt in the counselling room. My reaction needs to be non-judgemental so the other person feel free to continue to chat to me. Even comments that might come across as sympathetic like, "That's terrible!" can come across as judgemental because you don't actually know if that's how thay feel until they disclose it to you.
ReplyDeleteFor example, my lecturer shared that she was counselling someone who revealed that she has an abortion & my lecturer said something about guilt because she was trying to empathise. To which the client replied, "I don't feel guilty at all. It was a good decision that I made." Thankfully, my lecturer was able to recover from that slip up.
Good comments there, JJ! Thanks for that. Also reminds me that we should ask, "How does that make you feel" rather than jumping to conclusions.
ReplyDeleteAlso, not to be afraid of pauses and gaps in the conversation. Allow them to be, and let the speaker speak when ready.
You can also ask, "What's that like for you?" Some people shy away from the word 'feeling'. This question is slightly more open-ended. Breaks & silences are important too - it allows them time to process. Sometimes just our presence is what's needed & we don't always have to feel the need to say something.
ReplyDelete"And they sat with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his suffering was very great." Job 2:13
You did high-school latin? schmancy.
ReplyDeleteHigh school Latin is so cool.
ReplyDelete