List that amused me today.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/summeranne/the-hottest-male-celebrities-according-to-straight-guys

This is a weird list: what straight men think is handsome in other men. Never heard of a lot of them. But I like the things they've put under the photos. Like "Just the right level of salt and pepper". And "The kind of man that will chop down a tree, make a table out of it, and then pull out the chair for you." And I like the fact that they don't even bother to learn the name of the guys they vote for. Poor "Guy who plays Bones in Star Trek". I know you were Eomer in Lord of the Rings.

"What about him?"... I dunno, what?

I don't find it helpful when people suggest single men to me. Neither does Elsie. We speak for ourselves, but just in case we also speak for others too, here is our reasoning for why we don't like it when you suggest single men to us.

• I know who the single men are. I don't need help speculating.
• Presumably they know who I am. 
• What am I supposed to do about it? You suggest a man and I'm supposed to say "yeah I've always had an unrequited crush on him, now you mention it... I'm going to go and ask him out!" That's never going to happen. I've got very delicate sensibilities. (They've never been helpful in progressing matters of the heart, but I'm stuck with them.)
• Alternatively, if I don't like him, I can shoot him down publicly behind his back. That's not gracious. Don't ask me to share his faults.
• If I don't KNOW him, that's even more annoying because now I'm speculating about someone I haven't met yet. Totally fruitless. Maybe you expect me to sneakily throw myself in his path somehow? Arrange a "meet cute"? It's exhausting.

So in the end, suggesting single men to me isn't as helpful as you think it is. Actual helpfulness = 0.

I don't know whether men get women suggested to them much, I guess they probably do, but at least the ball is in their court. They can say "Happy being single thanks" or "I dunno" or "I don't really know her well enough" or "Yeah, but would she go out with me?" or whatever, but still, if you're a match-making type, I think that's the end you want to work from first. I really don't think ANYTHING useful can be achieved by just randomly asking single women who they would/wouldn't date.

Health warning for single men.

Interesting fact which sparked me posting about this: Men who are married live longer on average than bachelors. There are added benefits if they marry women younger than them. This is because men who marry are looked after by their wives, we can suppose.

This is golden proof for my long-held theory that singleness is as bad for men than for women, or at least quite bad in different and unnoticed ways. The following observations are general* and based on my limited experience, and I'm not talking about young single men who haven't married so much as maturing men who seem to be aimlessly or unwillingly single, so don't go applying it all to your own situation. But I think there is a grain of truth here, among my random opinions.

1) Single women are high-profile; not, like, whinging, but everyone knows that they are single and it is unfortunate… biological clocks, real grief at missing out on raising a family, etc etc. There is nothing obviously unfortunate about single men—it can seem to be simply their own choice, mistake or failure. So women are getting all the pity and attention.

2) Single men do not seem as interested in singleness as an issue. Where women go "why, God? I want to be married!" and read books about singleness, listen to sermons, spend time questioning God's purpose for their life outside of marriage, blog and vent about it, and for fun watch chick movies about finding marriage, men don't. They are missing the bad things but also potentially the helpful and guiding things, and missing the pastoral care that single women seek out.

3) Single men are more likely to end up loners. Women are more naturally social, and get together to empathise and support each other. Unmarried men miss out on the socialising influence of their wife and family. Single women are more likely to flat together, men are more likely to flat alone—possibly for financial reasons, but it's another element of aloneness.

Single men are more likely to get weird. I'm not sure if all weird older loner men are single because they are weird, or if singleness is actually a major contributing factor to weirdness. Or if it comes down to the socialising factor of the wife/family. Either way, the value of having a wife to choose a shirt for you or nag you to get a haircut is enormous.

4) Men who stay single because it is more fun than marriage, who think they have the social skills to stay cool and want to enjoy their freedom to travel or be a slob or a workaholic or whatever… end up lame. It backfires on them. You can be single and cool and free when you're 28, but 5 years later you'll be single and sort of lame and immature, and in another 5 years you WILL be in the weird loner category and no woman will want you, because you were trying to extend your youth—while she was crying out "why God?" and growing in godliness (hopefully).

5) Unfortunately, according to Phillip Jensen at least, it seems that after 30 or so single men lose confidence to ask women out. Perhaps the rejection of a few women solidifies into self-doubt. Although much worse in my opinion are the desperate and not-shy men who hang around only the pretty single women in church. That is not the way to go! As mentioned before, women notice everything, and you will alert the Creepy Stalker Radar of every woman very quickly.

So if there is anything helpful I want to say about this, it is that older single men are probably more unsupported by church community than single women, and should fight the pull of loner land. And young single men should take warning and not leave it too late—get married before you get weird. Just kidding. They should prayerfully consider their reasons for singleness and the implications for ministry and their future.

* Where an opinion is general, it is usually correct. Jane Austen.

A gentleman would

Upon hearing a lady ponder about braving the pouring rain and gusty winds in order to fetch a skim chai latte 20m across the road, a gentleman would offer to complete the task for the lady. Should the lady accept the offer, the gentleman will keep his word and fight the weather for the latte.

Such a gentleman is my boss :)

On being a good comforter

In the recent past, I've been quite upset, as have a couple of my close friends (for unrelated reasons). As I've sought to be comforted, to comfort them, and reflected on times when I've failed to be a good comforter, it's made me realise what makes someone a good comforter.

Much of it, really, is being a good listener, a topic Karen covers well in the art of listening, and I commend it wholeheartedly.

I wish to make the following points in comforting an upset woman:

You don't have to solve my problem!
People make the mistake of thinking that when someone shares a problem, they are looking for a solution. In one sense, of course they are. Who doesn't want to get rid of their problems? But if they're upset, and they're not EXPLICITLY asking you for a solution, don't give one. Don't say, "Your situation is x and your solution is y". That is not why they are coming to you.

Don't tell me to "chin up" and "get on with it".
*sigh* I already know that. But that's not how I'm feeling at the moment. You saying that doesn't help. The next point is what an upset person really wants.

Give me your attention, your empathy, your love and your concern.
I want someone else, other than me, to acknowledge the hurt or particular pain I am going through. I want someone else to validate the feelings I am experiencing. I want someone to care that I am hurting. I want someone to give me a shoulder to cry on, and a big hug to make things better. Once again, I direct you to Karen's article on being a good listener. To be a good comforter, you don't need to say much at all. Shutting up is helpful at times. It's not about you when someone is upset (unless you are the cause of it), so don't relate your own experiences then and there. Maybe later. But not at the peak of the upsetness. When someone is upset, it should all be about them.

I might need some perspective...
A bit of judgement call is required here. Sometimes when someone is upset, their thinking is all skewed and they need to be given a bit of perspective (e.g. "Everything's going to be alright"). But BE CAREFUL. Do this the wrong way (i.e. before you've acknowledged what they've said and spent significant time being silent and taking in what the other person is going through) and it doesn't provide any comfort at all. Do it the right way and these few words may be just what they needed to hear.

...but don't correct me.
If the person is upset as a direct consequence of their folly, it is not the time to give a stinging rebuke. They probably already know what a fool or dill they've been. They probably already know what they should have (or should not have) done. Saying something like, "I can't believe what an idiot you are for leaving your wallet unattended" or even "You shouldn't have left your wallet unattended" is not helpful. It is not loving. It does not comfort. It belittles them.

Most of the time when a woman cries, it is to relieve stress. And she will feel better afterwards.

To round off this post, I love what the Apostle Paul says about comfort:

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort.

2 Corinthians 1:3-7 (ESV)

The Gentleman's Arsenal

I am thankful to Karen for bringing The Art of Manliness to my attention. It is superior to jelssie in many ways, but I feel both websites are written in the same spirit.

I have particularly enjoyed reading What to Carry on a First Date: The Gentleman’s Arsenal. It made me realise that this is the kind of man whose company I would like to be in: a gentleman. Thoughtful, considerate and prepared.

(Though I can't say that the comments are as gentlemanly as the article!)

Advice (about girls) for my brother.

This is a sort of follow-up post to my How to get a boyfriend series. It isn't a method, however, because women are a lot more complicated than men, and for every rule there is an equal and opposite unrule. It's strange that I have so much to say on the topic, since I have no idea how people ever get married—the whole process seems so complicated and stressful. But here are my thoughts on How to get a lady.

In general, your odds at marrying will decrease in your 30s. That is an interesting issue for another post, maybe in five years time. So, if you want to get married, don't muck around.

I totally understand that women are intimidating. Be prepared to be rejected. Women feel bad about this, and we really do appreciate being asked, but I suspect there are a lot of "no"s out there. Do yourself a favour and maximise your chances of success.

• Be sure of what you are doing with your life. Have a plan. Demonstrate that you are responsible and proactive.
• Do some grooming. Maybe get a haircut that isn't described with a number or makes a buzzing sound.
  
• Let your sister take you shopping.

So far, these things will create a normal first impression of normalness. To step it up:

• Be thoughtful and kind to others. To everyone.
• Demonstrate gentlemanly manners. It is amazing how far "ladies first" will get you. Also if you have a car, offer lifts. And so on. Treat women with respect as the weaker vessel. (You don't want to marry a feminist anyway.)
  
• Be on a gender-integrated ministry team. Music team, or a mission, or even just a bible study.

Women notice a lot. Do not underestimate how much women notice.

Now, most importantly, look out for indications of interest. Girls who are keen to be in your company, who laugh in your conversations. Or are excited to have something in common with you ("oh, I love Dune too!"). If you pursue a girl who hasn't been speculating about you, she might say "no" out of surprise and caution. So try and read the signs.

I think that's all I have. Take it from there.