Less than flattering

It's really tempting to only post the most flattering pictures of yourself online. Sometimes I see photos I'm tagged in and I think, "Ugh! I don't like it! I don't want it popping up on people's feeds." However, I've made a conscious decision that if I ever react like that, then I will allow the photo to be tagged because I think it's really important for me to comfortable with less than flattering pics of me being online.

For example, I don't like the pic in this post. It's petty things, such as my parted fringe, my strange colouring due to the filters and I think my face shape looks weird.

In spite of that, I'm still allowing pics like that to be posted because it's about accepting that I'm not perfect and I don't need to present a perfect image of me every time. Perfection is not my goal or ideal, and reminding myself of that is important. It's also a way of fighting against the "people will only like me if I'm pretty enough" stream of thought that pervades throughout society. This kind of thinking is broadly adopted by advertisers and marketers, "Buy this product and you will have amazing skin and a zillion friends!" or "This is what a beautiful/happy/successful person looks like and if you follow this diet/exercise routine/guru/attain an unrealistic body shape, your dreams will come true!" FALSE.

A lot of it too, is about self-acceptance and being okay with who you are. And learning that people who truly love you will love you regardless of how bad any camera angle may be. And learning to care less about stuff you really should care less about.

Also, I want to present a somewhat realistic image of me - my real friends know what I look like. I don't want to be too different or too unreal online.

Having said that, I still pick more flattering pics as profile pics :P That's one thing that won't change.

Feeling the love

I don't know if it's just me or a personality thing, but I often forget how loved and appreciated I am by other people. I have really felt the love this week from other people and it's been a reminder that there are so many ways to be affirmed and loved as a single person.

Examples of recent love shown to me:
- a friend unexpectedly brought back a NARS Dragon Girl lip pencil from the States that I've been eyeing for a while;
- a friend, who lives in Hong Kong, bought me this recipe book, that is only available in Hong Kong, to bring back via her mum. She knew how much it would mean to me to cook simple Cantonese food; and
- a friend brought back some Japanese products for me.

Examples of love in the past week:
- a sister in my Connect Group said some positive things about my character which I found very affirming, uplifting and made me feel appreciated and special. I was very touched;
- I'm going on a holiday with Bec. I've appreciated her being very patient and understanding with me and doing research while I've been a bit of space cadet of lately (most because it's been the busy season at work); and
- just today, I received a surprise bag of goodies from a friend in the States! Full of things I love, like the YSL Glossy Stain (in no 7 Corail Aquatique, a colour that's absolutely perfect for work and what I was about to buy in a different brand), a teal pen and nail polishes! And it came with a beautiful card and a lovely message :)

I'm writing this here, so that if I ever feel down in the dumps or thinks that nobody loves me, I'll remember all the love shown to me :) It's reminded me how important it is to show love and appreciation to those in your life.

Hope in a jar

Jess and I both suffer from ezcema, or as we both like to call it, xma rage. Whenever I pop into the chemist or walk down the grooming aisle in the supermarket, I see a lot of products claiming to relieve the symptoms of xma. As I look at these products, they make my hope soar. Maybe this one, will be THE ONE, the one to stop the crazy itching and dry skin. They're little jars of hope.

But they never work. Nothing makes the xma go away, and nothing beats steroid cream.

Speaking of steroid cream, let me make two tangential points:

• Roid rage is when you can't find your steroid cream. [Road Rage is Catatonia's 90s hit. Such lovely Welshness].
• A true friend shares her roid cream with you when you desperately need some.

Casting call.

Is anyone interested in making a dress form / dressmaker's dummy? I've wanted one forever, and there are several ways of making your own by casting your own body. But you need someone to help you, otherwise your cast is hunched and twisty. So if you do me I'll do you. Otherwise, if nobody else wants to make one I'll just recruit someone randomly to help me make mine!

If you don't want to make clothes, you could use it to assemble outfits and look at them from the back.

Ode to Jessica.

She is the sort of friend I can off-load all the partially-eaten junk food I bought in a moment of anxiety-filled weakness. I'm talking 3/4 tub of Cookies & Cream ice-cream, 1/2 bar of chocolate, 2/3 packet of Tim Tams, raisins...you get the picture :) However, the Oreos have never made it to her...

Ode to Elsie.

She is the sort of friend I can send this sort of email. Subject line only.

afternoon need lollies

She is like my own private twitter service, and she understands. Even when she hasn't read it yet I feel like she understands.

That's what friends are for

If I don't feel like going home after a day of uni, I sometimes call upon Jess. While veg-ing out on her couch, I have noticed she uses either a step ladder or milk crates to prop up her television.

Yesterday I noticed the perfect tv stand for her while I was at Salvos, so I barged into her office and told her to buy it. Pronto.

This photo is a photo of friendship: Jess bought the tv stand, I'm shielding her from the sun's rays because she forgot her hat, Jess K took the photo and helped Jess transport her new old tv stand home.

Watch out for the milk!

Me: "Ooh! There's milk in the fridge!"

J (not Jess): "Oh no, don't have it! It's expired."

Me: "Oh, you are a true friend."

A true friend will tell you the milk has expired before you drink it to your detriment.

On being a good comforter

In the recent past, I've been quite upset, as have a couple of my close friends (for unrelated reasons). As I've sought to be comforted, to comfort them, and reflected on times when I've failed to be a good comforter, it's made me realise what makes someone a good comforter.

Much of it, really, is being a good listener, a topic Karen covers well in the art of listening, and I commend it wholeheartedly.

I wish to make the following points in comforting an upset woman:

You don't have to solve my problem!
People make the mistake of thinking that when someone shares a problem, they are looking for a solution. In one sense, of course they are. Who doesn't want to get rid of their problems? But if they're upset, and they're not EXPLICITLY asking you for a solution, don't give one. Don't say, "Your situation is x and your solution is y". That is not why they are coming to you.

Don't tell me to "chin up" and "get on with it".
*sigh* I already know that. But that's not how I'm feeling at the moment. You saying that doesn't help. The next point is what an upset person really wants.

Give me your attention, your empathy, your love and your concern.
I want someone else, other than me, to acknowledge the hurt or particular pain I am going through. I want someone else to validate the feelings I am experiencing. I want someone to care that I am hurting. I want someone to give me a shoulder to cry on, and a big hug to make things better. Once again, I direct you to Karen's article on being a good listener. To be a good comforter, you don't need to say much at all. Shutting up is helpful at times. It's not about you when someone is upset (unless you are the cause of it), so don't relate your own experiences then and there. Maybe later. But not at the peak of the upsetness. When someone is upset, it should all be about them.

I might need some perspective...
A bit of judgement call is required here. Sometimes when someone is upset, their thinking is all skewed and they need to be given a bit of perspective (e.g. "Everything's going to be alright"). But BE CAREFUL. Do this the wrong way (i.e. before you've acknowledged what they've said and spent significant time being silent and taking in what the other person is going through) and it doesn't provide any comfort at all. Do it the right way and these few words may be just what they needed to hear.

...but don't correct me.
If the person is upset as a direct consequence of their folly, it is not the time to give a stinging rebuke. They probably already know what a fool or dill they've been. They probably already know what they should have (or should not have) done. Saying something like, "I can't believe what an idiot you are for leaving your wallet unattended" or even "You shouldn't have left your wallet unattended" is not helpful. It is not loving. It does not comfort. It belittles them.

Most of the time when a woman cries, it is to relieve stress. And she will feel better afterwards.

To round off this post, I love what the Apostle Paul says about comfort:

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort.

2 Corinthians 1:3-7 (ESV)

Good ideas for presents for women.

There are some dreadful ads on TV about obnoxious women who aren't satisfied with their Valentine's Day presents, they're all "flowers aren't good enough! I want diamonds!". Presents are lovely in any form and I wish I was more thoughtful and gave them more often.

However, even though presents are always appreciated by sensitive women, I have a green bag full of soaps and smelly things and candles. These things build up faster than any woman alive can possibly use. Women know this, and still give them to each other! Not to mention trinket boxes, teeny tiny photo frames, and figurines of teddy bears. If you want to buy a woman a small gift, for a thankyou or something, these are my suggestions off the top of my head. They are low clutter as well as special treats.

• Gourmet tea, or hot drink equivelant
• Gourmet chocolate
• Movie tickets
• Earrings (I plan to make a list of all my pierced friends)
• Flowers

Small and special is better than lots of tacky. And usable is better than ornamental, because it is hard to know a woman's particular taste, and ornamental presents are dreadful for clutter. Flowers are the exception to the ornamental rule, because they are always pretty and they are short-lived.

Target sets new standard for bargain jeans

Jeans are a staple in my wardrobe. I could wear them to work all the time and I usually wear them in winter.

If you look at one of the lists to the left, you will see that Jess and I have Esprit jeans in common. Meaning we love them. The most flattering cut of jeans I have ever owned are Esprit jeans. Sadly they have started to wear and I am not sure I can patch them up.

I have paid $50-$80 each for my last three pairs of jeans (Saba, cK, Esprit) and then another $10 to get them hemmed up.

But tonight, I picked up two pairs of jeans (one straight leg, one bootcut) for $15 each at Target!

Good points:

• The cuts are reasonably flattering (I think, but if I'm wrong, do tell me. That's what a true friend would do [in a loving manner mind you :P]),

• they seem to be the right length (meaning I save $10 per pair in not having to get them altered),

• very cheap,

• and I like the colour of the denim.

I'm not sure about the quality. Time will tell.

So Target, if your jeans turn out to be good quality over time, you have set my new standard for bargain jeans.

Bonus tip! I have also learned that if you look bad in one brand's bootcut, it doesn't mean you look bad in every brand's bootcut. Frustrating because it means you can't stick to one cut if you want to keep jeans shopping simple. Liberating because it means you have more to choose from.

A true friend...

...will think of you and invite you along when they have a 2-for-1 voucher for seafood buffet at a nice hotel.

A true friend will...

...discreetly point out to you your faux pas e.g.
- chocolate smeared on lips/face
- food and greenery stuck in your teeth/braces
- tell you your fly is undone
- tell you your eye make-up is reaching the emo part of the day/night.

...save you a piece of cake at work if its your day off