When a total stranger asks for your number.

My friend was in Bunnings on the weekend and was surprised to find herself being chatted up by another shopper, and in the flustering of the moment gave him her number. Then the rest of her Bunnings trip was made awkward because she forgot what he looked like and was worried she'd meet him again in another aisle. He texted while she was at church, and this is her reply, which I share with her permission because it's exactly what you might want to be able to respond one day, with whatever valid excuse you like, if you get asked out by a random.

Very ladylike, I think.

Thoughts on welcoming newcomers at church

• Be warm, friendly and interested. 
• Find out what brought them to church that day. How did they hear about our church? Do they usually go to church?
• Show an interest in the person. Find out their story: where are they from? Where did they grow up? Do they live locally? Are they a Christian (if so, how did they become one?)? If not, what is their understanding of the Christian faith (probe to see interest levels and share the gospel if appropriate)?
• What does their daily life look like?
• What are their key relationships? Married? Single? Family?
• What are they interested in? What are they passionate about?
• If they're a Christian, and they're looking for a church to join, tell them about small groups and what usually happens at church. 
• Invite them to join you for morning tea, supper, dinner etc etc after church. The regulars know that supper is in the church hall after the service, but newcomers don't know anything: that there even is a church hall, let alone where it is, and that supper is on.
• Introduce them to other people at church, so they can start getting to know people and building relationships. It also takes the pressure off you for maintaining a conversation with a stranger. Also means that if they come back, other people will be around to say hello if you're not there.
• Include them in conversations, and when in a group conversation, be deliberate in making eye contact, so they know you are aware of them, that you're interested in them being a part of your group. Find a way to include them in the conversation.
• Find a point of commonality.
• Talk less, listen more.
• Be aware of what it's like to be new and a stranger. Think how you would feel and what would make you feel as if people wanted you there and wanted you to return.

Community.

http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2013/04/relationships-are-more-important-than-ambition/275025/

Many nuggets of interest in this article today, re pursuit of greatness vs staying put.

After all, relationships and community impose constraints on freedom, binding people to something larger than themselves. The assumption in our culture is that limiting freedom is detrimental to well-being. That is true to a point. Barry Schwartz, a psychological researcher based at Swarthmore College, has done extensive research suggesting that too much freedom -- or a lack of constraints -- is detrimental to human happiness.

"Relationships are meant to constrain," Schwartz told me, "but if you're always on the lookout for better, such constraints are experienced with bitterness and resentment."

This article annoys me.

In an email conversation between me and Jess:

E: I got married at 23. What are the rest of you waiting for?

Hurray, you married young because you found someone suitable when you were young. Now stop rubbing it in and assuming there are available men around. There aren't.

J: Correct. Jelssie that. Don't change a word. Subject for post heading.

~~~

I would like to add two points:

• "Marriage doesn’t require a big bank account, a dazzling resumé, or a televised wedding—it requires maturity, commitment, and a desire to grow up together. " LOL, the most basic requirement for a marriage is a suitable marriage partner! 

• To be fair to the author, she probably didn't write with the western Christian culture in mind.
  

Tender and tough

I've moved away from the east and I'm keen to make connections locally, so I've started going along to my local church. They run a course for newbies to get to the know the pastor and understand what the church is on about, in order for you to work out whether this church is for you.

One thing the pastor talked about, regarding what they wanted to achieve at church, was tender love in encouragement and tough love in confrontation*.

In my experience, when you receive tender love in encouragement at the right time, it is such a balm to the soul. When you receive tough love in confrontation, but at the wrong time, it is crushing to the spirit and you feel so misunderstood and unsupported. When you receive it at the right time, yes, it's a little painful, but you know that person has your best interests at heart, you would do well to heed their words and it is spoken out of love.

It takes wisdom and discernment to know which to use: spending time in the other person's shoes, understanding their lives and the situation they're in, and then making the call. Knowing which love to give at what time is one of the most helpful things you can ever give to a person.

*John Piper uses the same language in The Meaning of Membership and Church Accountability.

Telling

Alain de Botton recently tweeted,

The most romantic gesture is to spend an hour listening closely and sympathetically to someone else's anxieties & hopes.

and the only people who liked that comment on my Facebook wall were women. It's telling, isn't it?

(By the way, I can't seem to link to specific tweets anymore? Can anyone help?)

Networking

As I head into the corporate working world, I've been thinking about networking--what is it and what is its place in the working world? I've had a little taste of the benefits of being networked and wanted to know how to maintain these professional relationships.

I attended a workshop on it at uni today, and the two big things I took away from it was:
- networking is relationship-building and
- networking is a two-way relationship: what can you offer? How can the other person help?

In a sense, that's a relief because my background and experience has taught me a lot about relationship-building--I just wasn't sure how to apply it in the corporate working world.

I've also learnt that if you show a genuine interest in people, they're often willing to help or give advice over coffee.

Here's some further reading:
7 Tips for Surviving & Thriving at Networking Events
Why Networking is NOT All About Who You Know

Thoughts on interpersonal communication

[I dislike using the term "them", "themselves" when I mean a singular person in general, so I will use the term "he", which is what I was taught in high school Latin, but I really mean any singular person, male or female]

If you are getting to know someone, and if he reveals something to you that is surprising, unexpected or shocking to you, I think you'd do best to keep it to yourself at the moment, because the moment you reveal it, it can make the other person feel a number of things e.g. judged, like a bad person etc etc, which can in turn, lead to him putting up barriers, losing his trust in you, and not wanting to reveal more of himself. Reactions like those interrupt the flow of the conversation.

And really, when someone is telling you about himself, it's not about you, or your reaction to the information--it's completely about him, so give him all your attention, and the care that he needs.

Of course, context dictates how we should react e.g. if a friend runs up to you excitedly and says, "Guess what! Guess what!", it would be appropriate to express shock, excitement or whatever.

But if you're having a deep and meaningful, I try to accept what the other person is saying (which is not saying that I agree with him, or condone what he's saying), understand where he's coming from, and what led him to say what he did.

Revelation and liberation

I had a revelation yesterday. I have been living as if my life's primary goal is to find a marriage partner, settle down and have kids (this may have been obvious to some of you, but I was blind to it).

What is the effect of this? It means finding a marriage partner takes up a lot of your thoughts, prayers and conversations. It means questioning God, "Where is my husband? Where are my kids? Where is my house in the 'burbs?" and doubting yourself, "Why haven't I settled down yet? Aren't I good enough for anyone? What's wrong with me?"

What (or who) brought about the revelation? Well, God, obviously, but as I've reflected on my life throughout the year, I've been continually thankful for my current life situation. Life is good. Hard at times, but good. I can clearly see that he's given me opportunities that I can take only because of my current season in life: single and unburdened by marriage, kids and mortgage.

Secondly, we studied 1 Corinthians 7 in Bible study last week. Some of you may feel like you know this passage inside out, and you've done it to death. When we went around summarising what we thought the main gist of the passage was, I said, "If you're married, stay married. If you're single, stay single, but you're free to marry. Live as God's called you." It only struck me yesterday that the practical application for me is that my primary goal is no longer "find a marriage partner" but "live as God has called you". Once I realised that, I felt incredibly liberated.

It's liberating because the issue of marriage doesn't have to dominate my thoughts, prayers and conversations anymore. I don't have to worry about whether God has or hasn't got marriage in store for me or whether I'm an unmarriable nutter. It decreases the attractiveness of dating non-Christians considerably. But the greatest liberty is being freed from WRONG thinking. It is a beautiful feeling and state of being.

Sure, I'll continue to pray for me and friends regarding marriage (if it be his will) and at times I may be frustrated by my singleness and I may eventually try internet dating, but earthly marriage is not my life goal. It is neither here nor there. I am free to marry or stay single. Both are good options in God's eyes. Just live as God has called you, whatever circumstance you are in.

Life-sharing, hospitality, and other thoughts.

I found this post very honest and encouraging. Cathy and Steve have put real effort and thinking into how to use their home and family life in ministry.

A lot of people (like me) say they want to use their home for ministry, but it doesn't fit in conveniently very often, and a lot of people (me) just don't, or think they can't, so it is good to see what it looks like when a family actually work out how to share their lives sacrificially, and give it a red hot go, regardless of not always being in "Christian hospitality mode".

Hospitality is a ministry which I often think is limited by my situation, ie many people from church don't live nearby me, or I'm not a very good cook, or I only have 3 plates cos I broke one, or I have no dining table, or I have to arrange it with my flatmate(s), so it's just too much effort to have people over for dinner. But if you think outside the square, hospitality is basically life-sharing for the benefit of others, not just dinner parties. So there are a lot of little opportunities for life-sharing ministry. If I was to make a list of them in my life, like Cathy did, it would include Eat Street, obviously; and also meeting up with friends to walk or go swimming, or teach someone how to bake a cake or sew a skirt. Even grocery shopping has been valuable time spent with some women. So I'm challenged now, to make the most of these opportunities, even though I don't have a dining table.

On being a good comforter

In the recent past, I've been quite upset, as have a couple of my close friends (for unrelated reasons). As I've sought to be comforted, to comfort them, and reflected on times when I've failed to be a good comforter, it's made me realise what makes someone a good comforter.

Much of it, really, is being a good listener, a topic Karen covers well in the art of listening, and I commend it wholeheartedly.

I wish to make the following points in comforting an upset woman:

You don't have to solve my problem!
People make the mistake of thinking that when someone shares a problem, they are looking for a solution. In one sense, of course they are. Who doesn't want to get rid of their problems? But if they're upset, and they're not EXPLICITLY asking you for a solution, don't give one. Don't say, "Your situation is x and your solution is y". That is not why they are coming to you.

Don't tell me to "chin up" and "get on with it".
*sigh* I already know that. But that's not how I'm feeling at the moment. You saying that doesn't help. The next point is what an upset person really wants.

Give me your attention, your empathy, your love and your concern.
I want someone else, other than me, to acknowledge the hurt or particular pain I am going through. I want someone else to validate the feelings I am experiencing. I want someone to care that I am hurting. I want someone to give me a shoulder to cry on, and a big hug to make things better. Once again, I direct you to Karen's article on being a good listener. To be a good comforter, you don't need to say much at all. Shutting up is helpful at times. It's not about you when someone is upset (unless you are the cause of it), so don't relate your own experiences then and there. Maybe later. But not at the peak of the upsetness. When someone is upset, it should all be about them.

I might need some perspective...
A bit of judgement call is required here. Sometimes when someone is upset, their thinking is all skewed and they need to be given a bit of perspective (e.g. "Everything's going to be alright"). But BE CAREFUL. Do this the wrong way (i.e. before you've acknowledged what they've said and spent significant time being silent and taking in what the other person is going through) and it doesn't provide any comfort at all. Do it the right way and these few words may be just what they needed to hear.

...but don't correct me.
If the person is upset as a direct consequence of their folly, it is not the time to give a stinging rebuke. They probably already know what a fool or dill they've been. They probably already know what they should have (or should not have) done. Saying something like, "I can't believe what an idiot you are for leaving your wallet unattended" or even "You shouldn't have left your wallet unattended" is not helpful. It is not loving. It does not comfort. It belittles them.

Most of the time when a woman cries, it is to relieve stress. And she will feel better afterwards.

To round off this post, I love what the Apostle Paul says about comfort:

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort.

2 Corinthians 1:3-7 (ESV)

The Gentleman's Arsenal

I am thankful to Karen for bringing The Art of Manliness to my attention. It is superior to jelssie in many ways, but I feel both websites are written in the same spirit.

I have particularly enjoyed reading What to Carry on a First Date: The Gentleman’s Arsenal. It made me realise that this is the kind of man whose company I would like to be in: a gentleman. Thoughtful, considerate and prepared.

(Though I can't say that the comments are as gentlemanly as the article!)

Reading out loud.

A particularly positive post, I think, and carey-sharey.
I love reading out loud. I sometimes read aloud to myself, either fiction or the bible. I tend to hog the readings at bible study (we are doing Jeremiah, which is very good for reading aloud). I really wish I had children, so that I could read them the books I still enjoy from I was little. I would quite like to meet up with a friend or two occasionally to read with them for an afternoon. It would be such a pleasure.

Advice (about girls) for my brother.

This is a sort of follow-up post to my How to get a boyfriend series. It isn't a method, however, because women are a lot more complicated than men, and for every rule there is an equal and opposite unrule. It's strange that I have so much to say on the topic, since I have no idea how people ever get married—the whole process seems so complicated and stressful. But here are my thoughts on How to get a lady.

In general, your odds at marrying will decrease in your 30s. That is an interesting issue for another post, maybe in five years time. So, if you want to get married, don't muck around.

I totally understand that women are intimidating. Be prepared to be rejected. Women feel bad about this, and we really do appreciate being asked, but I suspect there are a lot of "no"s out there. Do yourself a favour and maximise your chances of success.

• Be sure of what you are doing with your life. Have a plan. Demonstrate that you are responsible and proactive.
• Do some grooming. Maybe get a haircut that isn't described with a number or makes a buzzing sound.
  
• Let your sister take you shopping.

So far, these things will create a normal first impression of normalness. To step it up:

• Be thoughtful and kind to others. To everyone.
• Demonstrate gentlemanly manners. It is amazing how far "ladies first" will get you. Also if you have a car, offer lifts. And so on. Treat women with respect as the weaker vessel. (You don't want to marry a feminist anyway.)
  
• Be on a gender-integrated ministry team. Music team, or a mission, or even just a bible study.

Women notice a lot. Do not underestimate how much women notice.

Now, most importantly, look out for indications of interest. Girls who are keen to be in your company, who laugh in your conversations. Or are excited to have something in common with you ("oh, I love Dune too!"). If you pursue a girl who hasn't been speculating about you, she might say "no" out of surprise and caution. So try and read the signs.

I think that's all I have. Take it from there.

Meals Men Like

We received a very amusing fax in the office today. It said,

New Book! Meals Men Love. How to Catch a Man in 3 Courses

They even have a website and they're on twitter and Facebook.

I clicked onto the website and they sell the most gorgeous aprons. I wouldn't mind one myself. But the feminist in me can't help but cringe to read "Impress him in the kitchen with this stunning designer apron." I'll take it with a grain of salt.

I think I can safely speak for jelssie that we could be similarly woo-ed by a home-cooked 3 course meal. After all, food is currently the most popular label for our posts ;P

Jessenomics 5: Romance

Girls speculate. Don't know what guys do, but I suspect it is a little more single-minded, and involves measuring suitability and indications of interest. This is followed by negotiations. If the negotiations are successful, proposals follow.