On being a good comforter

In the recent past, I've been quite upset, as have a couple of my close friends (for unrelated reasons). As I've sought to be comforted, to comfort them, and reflected on times when I've failed to be a good comforter, it's made me realise what makes someone a good comforter.

Much of it, really, is being a good listener, a topic Karen covers well in the art of listening, and I commend it wholeheartedly.

I wish to make the following points in comforting an upset woman:

You don't have to solve my problem!
People make the mistake of thinking that when someone shares a problem, they are looking for a solution. In one sense, of course they are. Who doesn't want to get rid of their problems? But if they're upset, and they're not EXPLICITLY asking you for a solution, don't give one. Don't say, "Your situation is x and your solution is y". That is not why they are coming to you.

Don't tell me to "chin up" and "get on with it".
*sigh* I already know that. But that's not how I'm feeling at the moment. You saying that doesn't help. The next point is what an upset person really wants.

Give me your attention, your empathy, your love and your concern.
I want someone else, other than me, to acknowledge the hurt or particular pain I am going through. I want someone else to validate the feelings I am experiencing. I want someone to care that I am hurting. I want someone to give me a shoulder to cry on, and a big hug to make things better. Once again, I direct you to Karen's article on being a good listener. To be a good comforter, you don't need to say much at all. Shutting up is helpful at times. It's not about you when someone is upset (unless you are the cause of it), so don't relate your own experiences then and there. Maybe later. But not at the peak of the upsetness. When someone is upset, it should all be about them.

I might need some perspective...
A bit of judgement call is required here. Sometimes when someone is upset, their thinking is all skewed and they need to be given a bit of perspective (e.g. "Everything's going to be alright"). But BE CAREFUL. Do this the wrong way (i.e. before you've acknowledged what they've said and spent significant time being silent and taking in what the other person is going through) and it doesn't provide any comfort at all. Do it the right way and these few words may be just what they needed to hear.

...but don't correct me.
If the person is upset as a direct consequence of their folly, it is not the time to give a stinging rebuke. They probably already know what a fool or dill they've been. They probably already know what they should have (or should not have) done. Saying something like, "I can't believe what an idiot you are for leaving your wallet unattended" or even "You shouldn't have left your wallet unattended" is not helpful. It is not loving. It does not comfort. It belittles them.

Most of the time when a woman cries, it is to relieve stress. And she will feel better afterwards.

To round off this post, I love what the Apostle Paul says about comfort:

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort.

2 Corinthians 1:3-7 (ESV)

John Piper and skin hunger

Skin hunger is a topic Jess explored earlier on jelssie. Here is John Piper's response to How would you offer hope to someone who is addicted to cutting himself? His response touches on the topic of skin hunger and looks at people's need for touch, need to feel loved and cared for.

Skin Hunger

aka touch deprivation. I can go for months without touching another human being or animal. I get hugs when I visit my family, and sometimes I shake hands with people when I meet them, but girls don't handshake much (it's a contentious issue, the female handshake). I was surprised yesterday, when I was helping with creche, how much I wanted to grab the children and cuddle them. I'm not a weirdo. But it was a strange urge, not based on how much I love babies because I'm not baby-crazy. So I googled it, and found out that it is Skin Hunger.

Different cultures have different levels of touchy feely. Our culture has no middle ground, I think. It's sexual, or nothing. There are no accepted friendly intimacies. We don't kiss on the cheek for hello or good bye, we don't link arms when we walk with someone. Modern dancing is now a bunch of individuals in pairs and groups, not pairs embracing or groups of people holding hands.

Maybe we shouldn't mock the 'hug hello', or the side hug? Maybe I should become a hug lady? Or should I just grab babies and pat strange dogs? Or, because Jane Austen has the answer for everything, maybe we should bring back regency manners. All that lovely formalised hand-holding in and out of carriages, proper dance steps, walking along arm in arm...