Inside bridal shops.

The bridal shop is an interesting universe. I think it is best to be avoided if you are stressed, but it is interesting. Here are some survival tips.

1. If you are helping a bride choose a dress, don't help her choose a dress. Help carry the dresses around and hold them up for her to look at.

2. It helps to be tall and strong-armed. I had no idea how heavy wedding dresses are. It's a proper workout, hiking them up onto dressing-room hooks.

3. Take crochet, or a book. Take a seat. The lovely shop lady will help get the dresses on, so you just have to sit and wait for each viewing, when she comes out and stands on the little step in front of the big mirror.

4. Then put your book down, and walk around the bride saying "ooh, lovely! do you like it?"

5. Wedding dresses: they basically all look really nice. And nobody cares about the details, apart from the person wearing it. But here are some navigation tips.
a) There are not as many shades of white as you would think; it's easier than painting a room "white", for example. Most are ivory, which is the natural white. Some are white, which is the bright white. Occasionally one is off-white, which is half way between. Occasionally one is a bit brown or grey, and is called something like 'cafe'.
b) Lace-up backs are the way to go, cos you can put on weight or lose weight, as women are wont to do.
c) Shops want six months (!!) to make your dress. Don't include the Christmas holiday shut-down. So you really need to order now. Now now now. (At moments like this, remember you can order a dress off the web for a tenth of the price and a month delivery, then get it altered. Geez.)

Here are some other random bit of jargon: bustle it up, jumper leads, hoop hire, cathedral train, do you feel special in it? and mermaid.