Diary bought.

Me, with my new 2014 diary and a lot of trepidation.

My best year yet???????????

So I think I want this diary, it's just the right size and has the layout I want, but I find "My Best Year Yet" deeply disturbing. Deeply, deeply, disturbingly disturbing. I am not joking about this, I've literally written a list of things that could make a year really really good, but I'm not optimistic about the reality of them happening. On the other hand, someone could die, and that that would be the worst thing to happen. I want to hope for the best, but I don't want to be taunted by this hope if I end up with the worst or the meh. THIS IS ALL THE ANGST OF TURNING #) THAT I WAS WORRIED ABOUT. #) is 30 in caps lock. I probably should buy this diary after all the emotional effort I've already invested in it. Why is my life so hard.

Obsession mystery.

Where does obsession come from? Until recently, whenever Elsie was going on and on about lipstick I would bear with her for a while and then say to her "why don't you use some up before you buy any more new ones?" Sensible frugal me. How naive I was. Now, merely months later, I'm completely obsessed with nail polish. What do you mean, use some up before I buy any more new ones??? There are as many nail polishes in the world as there are colours, plus you have holographic ones and glittery ones and duotone ones, there is really no limit on how many nail polishes I want. Where did that come from? Same thing happened with Jillian. Elsie would rave and rave and I would avoid, until bam, I was all about Jillian all the time. And is it just us? Do other people get all crazy about collecting different coloured stockings and then move on to something else 2 months later, like the search for the perfect tea infuser, and then it's Cranford and then it's tracking calories and then it's wearing your hair in a bun?

Possibly THE secret.

Is the secret to contentment giving up? Or at least, being pragmatic, think and act as though you've given up? If you are frustrated that you can't afford real estate or you are unmarried or your church music is uncool, and there is nothing within your power that you can practically do about it, maybe the secret to contentment is just to give up on it? Stop thinking, stop hoping, stop checking the websites and reading the blogs, call an end to all aspiration and count your blessings. Or, is it possible to be content with one thing and still deeply and actively hope for something else? Possibly. Maybe it's the type of hope. Maybe it's what you do with the hope. Maybe you can still hope but still give up at the same time, so the hope doesn't make you miserable.

Of Transactional Analysis and Speaker Boxes.

Guest post by my mum. I asked for a brief guide to 'the voices' and she kindly obliged. 

Transactional Analysis (TA for short) is a helpful model that describes something of what internal conversations go on within each of us. Without wishing to imply that any of you dear readers ‘hear voices’, we do all have a whole range of messages that we ‘hear’, and that inform our decisions and actions. It’s a bit like those cartoons, where someone has an ethical dilemma, and we see the ‘angel’ sitting on one shoulder, and the ‘devil’ sitting on the other shoulder, and they’re arguing. So what are these messages, and where do they come from?

According to TA, there are basically three different sources of messages: Parent (Taught); Adult (Thought), and Child (Felt). Of these, two of the three can be further broken down: the Parent divides into Critical (CP) and Nurturing (NP); and the Child can be either Adaptive (AC) or Free (FC).

Our Critical Parent’s job is to teach us right from wrong – clean your teeth, put your seatbelt on, don’t steal, murder, lie, etc; the down-side is that it can be a very hard task-master. Our Nurturing Parent soothes us when we’re hurt, and encourages when we’re afraid; maybe it can be a bit soft on us, or a bit suffocating. Our Adaptive Child feels the hurt, anger fear, etc, and alerts us to what might be wrong or harmful for us. Our Free Child is full of fun, excitement, laughter, joy. Neither of our Children have much self-control, though, so AC can fly off into rages, become Victim, blame, etc, while FC can be terribly irresponsible. Our Adult is our CEO; it’s all in the head. This is the one that delegates, gives considered responses. Of course Adult can be rather like a whole box of dried fruit, sucking all the yummy juice out of life!

So maybe we’re a bit like speaker boxes: different speakers within the box give different sounds – bass, treble, etc. Sound technicians specialise in balancing all these sounds to get just the right mix. When one is too loud, it makes for terrible music. The same with us: if one or two parts of our psyche are over-functioning, if they are shouting too loud, we, too, make terrible music.

The two who tend to shout loudest together for most of us are Critical Parent and Adaptive Child. Try this exercise: write down 10 statements (more if you like) beginning with “I should….” Now read through your list again. How are you feeling as you writing and read all your ‘shoulds’? You have now heard your very own CP, and felt your very own AC! CP is all about ‘should’, ‘must’, ‘always’, ‘never’, ‘more’, ‘less’. AC is all about feeling guilty, sad, unworthy, angry, afraid.

It seems to me that ‘good’ Christians have most problems with our CP and AC. On one level, we know we are saved by grace, but on a much deeper level we also know we should be doing more, better; measuring up to God’s perfect standards somehow. There is so much ministry to do. How can I possibly waste time enjoying myself?!

I recently heard a sermon based on Deut 20:1ff, and the point was made that the kingdom and the battle is God’s! In this passage, all the fit, strong, brave (and even scared) young men were to be sent home from God’s army, so they could dedicate their houses, farm their land, marry their wives; they weren’t needed, because God would win the battles. And the first application? STOP running around like a headless chook and trust God! So now I’m wondering: if all I feel when I think of ‘ministry’ is tired and weighed down with guilt, maybe I’m listening more to my own personal, portable, Critical Parent rather than to my loving, gracious Nurturing Father. If this is the case, maybe I’m not really trusting in God to win his battles, but myself to do it for him.

Life-sharing, hospitality, and other thoughts.

I found this post very honest and encouraging. Cathy and Steve have put real effort and thinking into how to use their home and family life in ministry.

A lot of people (like me) say they want to use their home for ministry, but it doesn't fit in conveniently very often, and a lot of people (me) just don't, or think they can't, so it is good to see what it looks like when a family actually work out how to share their lives sacrificially, and give it a red hot go, regardless of not always being in "Christian hospitality mode".

Hospitality is a ministry which I often think is limited by my situation, ie many people from church don't live nearby me, or I'm not a very good cook, or I only have 3 plates cos I broke one, or I have no dining table, or I have to arrange it with my flatmate(s), so it's just too much effort to have people over for dinner. But if you think outside the square, hospitality is basically life-sharing for the benefit of others, not just dinner parties. So there are a lot of little opportunities for life-sharing ministry. If I was to make a list of them in my life, like Cathy did, it would include Eat Street, obviously; and also meeting up with friends to walk or go swimming, or teach someone how to bake a cake or sew a skirt. Even grocery shopping has been valuable time spent with some women. So I'm challenged now, to make the most of these opportunities, even though I don't have a dining table.

From the email archives.

From: Jess Green

Sent: Thursday, 7 May 2009 11:58 AM

To: Elsie; Anna

Subject: "I want diversion!"

I complained to Anna just this morning.

And then I read this on Challies (while having a little diversion break after briefing ads.)

"The compulsive search for diversion is often an attempt to escape the wretchedness of life. We have great difficulty being quiet in our rooms. … Cyberspace may be the greatest temptation yet offered to humanity to lose its soul in diversion." This was written 12 years ago. Before even Twitter and "ambient awareness".

Oh no! I knew there was some underlying danger and I was about to form a theory, but this guy beat me to putting it into words.

[from the days before jelssie, when all our profoundness was in private emails. jelssie turns 1 year old tomorrow!]

On being a good comforter

In the recent past, I've been quite upset, as have a couple of my close friends (for unrelated reasons). As I've sought to be comforted, to comfort them, and reflected on times when I've failed to be a good comforter, it's made me realise what makes someone a good comforter.

Much of it, really, is being a good listener, a topic Karen covers well in the art of listening, and I commend it wholeheartedly.

I wish to make the following points in comforting an upset woman:

You don't have to solve my problem!
People make the mistake of thinking that when someone shares a problem, they are looking for a solution. In one sense, of course they are. Who doesn't want to get rid of their problems? But if they're upset, and they're not EXPLICITLY asking you for a solution, don't give one. Don't say, "Your situation is x and your solution is y". That is not why they are coming to you.

Don't tell me to "chin up" and "get on with it".
*sigh* I already know that. But that's not how I'm feeling at the moment. You saying that doesn't help. The next point is what an upset person really wants.

Give me your attention, your empathy, your love and your concern.
I want someone else, other than me, to acknowledge the hurt or particular pain I am going through. I want someone else to validate the feelings I am experiencing. I want someone to care that I am hurting. I want someone to give me a shoulder to cry on, and a big hug to make things better. Once again, I direct you to Karen's article on being a good listener. To be a good comforter, you don't need to say much at all. Shutting up is helpful at times. It's not about you when someone is upset (unless you are the cause of it), so don't relate your own experiences then and there. Maybe later. But not at the peak of the upsetness. When someone is upset, it should all be about them.

I might need some perspective...
A bit of judgement call is required here. Sometimes when someone is upset, their thinking is all skewed and they need to be given a bit of perspective (e.g. "Everything's going to be alright"). But BE CAREFUL. Do this the wrong way (i.e. before you've acknowledged what they've said and spent significant time being silent and taking in what the other person is going through) and it doesn't provide any comfort at all. Do it the right way and these few words may be just what they needed to hear.

...but don't correct me.
If the person is upset as a direct consequence of their folly, it is not the time to give a stinging rebuke. They probably already know what a fool or dill they've been. They probably already know what they should have (or should not have) done. Saying something like, "I can't believe what an idiot you are for leaving your wallet unattended" or even "You shouldn't have left your wallet unattended" is not helpful. It is not loving. It does not comfort. It belittles them.

Most of the time when a woman cries, it is to relieve stress. And she will feel better afterwards.

To round off this post, I love what the Apostle Paul says about comfort:

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort.

2 Corinthians 1:3-7 (ESV)

Not just a personal trainer

I am such a fan of the current season of The Biggest Loser. I have noticed that the personal trainers on the show aren't just personal trainers - they are also quasi-therapists and counsellors. I wonder if this will set up the expectations for personal trainers to be more than a fitness expert.

Jillian Michaels, the trainer in the American version of The Biggest Loser, says in this feature article from Success Magazine:

Underneath every self-destructive behavior is a self-esteem issue. Period. End of conversation. Those are symptoms of a deeper problem, and understanding the root of your self-esteem issues will help you rectify that symptom. Obesity is never because somebody wanted an extra margarita on their vacation. It's about some sort of, 'I was never good enough,' 'I was never worthy,' 'I'm afraid that if I do embrace life, I won't have the ability to achieve or succeed.' And until you get to the root of the problem, you'll never be able to remedy the symptom. That's why self-exploration and self-awareness is a critical first step when it comes to achieving any goal.

Michelle Bridges, one of the trainers for the Australian The Biggest Loser, also subscribes to a similar philosophy in her book Crunch Time.

It's not just personal trainers either. It's professional organisers as well. I've seen a few episodes of Neat TV, where Canadian professional organiser Hellen Bettegieg steps into someone's home to get it into order. It's never just about the stuff or the clutter. The underlying issue causing the clutter always comes out e.g. "We lost everything in our last home in a fire and now we're holding to everything we've got in case we lose it all again" or "I really like having my kids close to me and that's why the air hockey table, the tv, the computer, the treadmill are all in the master bedroom".

I don't know if this applies to everyone, but definitely for some, decluttering will uncover underlying issues (I know it did for me).

My point is this: what seems to be the initial problem (obesity, clutter, whatever) might actually be sign of a deeper issue that is causing it. It does make me wonder: we all know about the sex scandal a famous golfer is currently embroiled in, but what is the deeper issue that is causing it?

Something not about food, clothes or speedos.

It is not the habit of jelssie to be deep and profound, but just for some variety I'll finish the week with something I read today on a proper theological blog...

If you hadn't realised, I like to be observant, and often I judge. I'm sure you're all still reeling from my opinion of "cold toast".

But on Sunday nights I also judge what goes on up the front of church. And when I'm serving (sort of up the front), I turn and judge the participation of the rest of church. I can see all sorts of failings.

Conveniently, somehow, I never fall under my own scrutiny.

Claire Smith helpfully pointed out the obvious today on Sola Panel. I think everyone (who complains about their church) should read it.

...We will now return to our regular programming.